Arrhythmia

And so and so and so and so it goes...

Ink and ink and ink and paper: words
This and that and junk and stuff: pain
Hurt and fear and lifestyle choices: shame

Space and time and loneliness: anxiety
Awkward, inept, unfit for polite society.

Exile and anger, depression: self-loathing

Guilt and misery and misunderstanding: distance
Out of the shell only when necessary for existence

Truth on pain with pressure: shutting down
Cutting just to see if blood is found.

Tears and tears and tears and tears: help
Help to feel and be and see: heal
Whispers in the soul: kneel

Quiet in the disquieted mind: silence
Stillness in the heart: hope
Peace in the spirit: deliverance

Crimson blood to wash away the stains: clean
Resurrection power to break apart the chains: victory.

On Personal Truths, In Reflection

I care more about having a peaceful home than a clean one.

I have bitten off more than I can chew.

Two year olds know everything.

There are those I do not like.

There are those I could not love more.

I am not the center of the universe.

She is not the center of the universe.

You are not the center of the universe.

It's easy to fail at most things.

Where parents fail, God's grace prevails.

Saddness is more natural than happiness.

Easy is rarely right.

Hard is not always the only way.

Always and never are overused.

Mothers are overused.

Half of my brain is missing, the half that thinks and reasons clearly, as well as spells correctly and knows syntax.

I will not be the next American Idol.

Singing is one of my greatest passions and gifts.

Discernment is my "spiritual gift".

We have McPheever.

Amy has beautiful eyes.

Joel has a beautiful heart.

Our life is a work of art.

Clarity, energy and a pleasant disposition are sold in 150mg controlled release pills. I take them regularly.

Running is hard.

Running is awesome.

Running is accomplishing a goal.

Writing is therapeutic.

Reading is relaxing.

My Dad has diabetes.

My Father is with me always, even unto the ends of the earth.

My Dad is a man of integrity. He loves me dearly as I love him.

My mother is clothed in strength and dignity, the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Tenth grade girls are fun to be with and hard to relate to.

Old Navy commercials drive me crazy.

Mac/PC commercials are best.

The Office is the best BEST.

I tell you: This is all my joy and my peace, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Go Ahead

In shadow does it wander into the room
And tip it's hat to greet me with its gloom
Uninvited, yet invited still
Bringing with it dark and musty chill

So long, long gone you were
I know it to be true
Yet here you are to tell me that
I am not through with you
Of course you would come back to speak your peace to me
Now that I am standing on the edge of victory

Unreasoning, illogical and hateful voice of the past
Comes again to tell me this state of being will not last
And I, with doubled fists, set jaw, raised chin
Will not sit and let the chants begin
Shadowboxer surely I will be
Before you are able to get a grip on me

Not such an easy target this time, am I
I know your next move, I know you so well
You who love to chain my blood bought soul in temporal hell
No matter what you say, I will not listen
I fought so hard to break free from this prison
I won't go back
Stomp your feet, go ahead and yell
You can't have me because my mind is well

My arsenal is full, I am ready to attack
Not to sit and wait for you to tell me what I lack
Go ahead, if you must and whisper in my ear
You will not find unstable insanity here

More resilient now than ever, I've become
It's more than me at stake now
Besides, I've already won
Test and see the mettle that is forged
Around my mind which you for so long gored
Not so slick that you can not be beaten
Mercy is your very great enemy,
and He has visited me

No, don't wave your white flag this direction
Go ahead, invade, I will kill this infection

Paper Faces

Okay, in the past week I've seen two movies with masked avengers. V for Vendetta and The Phantom of the Opera and I've come to the conclusion that I love the man behind the mask. At the end of both of these movies, I find myself in a deep and abiding depression and obsession of thoughts over said hero. What is it about the wearer of the mask that breaks my heart? I haven't been able to think about much else, only to pray for the souls of these movie characters as they portray the brokenness and heartache of a lost and dying world. I think that I love them so much because they are some of the few who recognize they are lost and dying and therefore take up a banner. Only it's the wrong banner and therefore at the End of Days they will still only have lost time and brokenness to show the Father.
The Dark Angels in both movies wore masks to hide thier grotesque disfigurations. Now, because it is hollywood and we are waiting on the big reveal we don't really believe they're that grotesque underneath, certainly not grotesque enough to push our beautiful heroine past the point of love. And really, the Phantom's disfigurement was in "his soul" as so eloquently sung by Christine Daae. But V never reveals his face for the masses to see. He sadly admits, in the midst of the promise of love through the worst of times that he cannot reveal what lies beneath. 'Why' I want to know? You're loved!! Totally and completely, we've watched you murder, lie, torture and yet we love you, we're rooting for you, we're on you're side!! But he cannot and so he does not.
And I realize, a week later, as I still can't stop thinking of their beautiful, tortured souls that this is the cry of God's heart. To love us through the worst of our disfigurations, the worst of our actions, to call us out of a life of darkness and futility, of totally wasted effort, and into a life of light and song and meaning, a life of purpose. An eternal life. I am so saddened by the fact that a lost person can give all, even his own life, for what he believes is a just cause when the object of his faith is no more alive than the wooden gods of the high places. We, humans, created beings, want to follow someone who has purpose and gives meaning to life, who takes calculated steps on a certain road of action, who is able to see past today and affect change for the future. Jesus, why don't we want to follow you? Give them eyes to see and ears to hear. Soften hearts to recieve the Word implanted and give us boldness to implant the Word.
I did not know that they were hungry for a Purpose, I did not see that their hearts desired Life.

Epic

Wisdom unto salvation
Beauty for ashes
Gladness of heart
Joy in persecution
Adoption as one first-born
Poverty of spirit
Strength for fear
Unconditional promises
Divine inspiration
Loss of life
Division of family
Gift of grace
Once and for all
Baptisim by fire
Double-edged sword
Light for the path
Beginning and End
Life giving
Purpose driven
Bloody
Peaceful
War-torn
Loving discipline
Righteous wrath
Continuous call
Specific creation
Truth unto freedom
Instruction for living
Answer to Questions
Wisdom unto salvation

Things Have To Change

Things have to change, now.
Right now.
I can feel it in my bones
It's like the air anticipating the dawn,

The first few notes of your favorite song
playing on the radio
And you just know:
This is it, something's going to change
It just has to.

You're at that place where there is no choice
No amount of talking,
Hopes, dreams, intention or purpose
will make any difference.

We can sit around in circles
Talking about it but you know the truth:
It's time.
Things must change.

At what point do you look back at your life
And say "that's the day my life really began"
I'm here, I'm right in the middle of it
And my life is happening regardless of my in/action.

What's my point?
I'm getting there.
Even poetry must be swept up in this current
This vein, it is for breaking ground
Here we are, crossroads just ahead

As Dante says, I find myself in the middle of a great wood
And I know, without a doubt
My sole obligation now and evermore
Starts with the change of today.

It's like a jack in the box:
He has to pop up.
I have to change.
The music has played long enough.

No more.
El fin.
Today I grab hold of a life well lived.
No help from you, or this or that.
Just what's here in my heart,
The Only Catalyst for change.

Truth in change.
Truth, I hope to find in tomorrow,
In what it brings and gives and what I make of it.

A Difference is what I hope to make of it.
The larger the better,
But movement by degrees
To find the end result will certainly suffice.

Ill-defined goals go unmet and so I find myself here,
sitting down to write this and think of how to flesh it out.

And so the thoughts drag on
Nothing new, just one thought remains,
Circling my brain, pestering my psyche:
Things have to change.

Okay.
I will change them.

Nothingness and Speculation

"America is great because it is good. When America ceases to be good, it will no longer be great." Anonymous

I was thinking of this country that I love
Where I was so luckily born
More freedom than most
And many willing to die for us

I have met them
They are wise and strong
Hands that change from gentle to skillful
Quickly eliminating threats

A nation is torn in their wake
So many choose to demean the work
To frustrate and confuse the purpose
To argue over nothingness and speculation

None to take responsibility but them
Ultimate and final,
As responsiblity inevitably is
And some would cry in outrage!

These hearts so willing to serve and protect
Hate mail hangs in their hospital rooms
Strengthens resolve to protect our freedom
Even the freedom to be ignorant
To choose not to think for one's self, not to accept,
Indeed they will die to protect our freedom of passivity.

What is truly outrageous is the nation divided
Parents of loved ones killed in this war
Who choose to believe their children died for no cause
Choose to believe the lies they have been fed
Unwilling to search their heart of hearts and find the freedom
Their child died to give them:
To respond in victory,
To uphold a righteous and just cause
To celebrate the progress of our glorious armed forces
To applaud their courage and strength,
Single-mindedness and focus on one thing: our liberty

After all, how far must we look into our past
To recognize the truth:
All freedom is born of blood sacrifice.
And America, despite her hope, is no exception.

" My Wesley will always come for me."

The way you hear my fears
Yet do not dry my tears,
The way you hold my heart
Loosley enough to beat,
The way you know my mind
And still do not intrude,
The way you love my spirit
And my attitude!

That who I am
Is prefectly acceptable,
That what I do
Is the best that could be done,
That I am a queen
Even when I am crawling,
That I am normal
Even when I'm insane.

In how I need you
To keep me in your heart of hearts.
In how I trust you
To never let this fall apart.
In how I beg you
To never let me go.
In how I need you
So much more than you can know.

The way your whisper in my neck
Sends shivers down my spine,
The way your fingers in my hair
Break my defenses every time,
How your arms around my waist
Put me right where I belong,
How your hands that cup my face
Have a kiss to go along.

So much of who I am
Is who you let me be
By loving me for me,
By cultivating the potential that you see.

And every part of you that I have needed
You've always let me have
maybe without noticing
How much of you I have

shake, shake

Snuggling into my chest
She grabs my hair and is at rest
"Hi" she whispers
with smile so soft
this little girl i love the most

we rock a while,
wrapped in goosefeathers
hugging eachother
and softly singing Christmas carols

Off she goes, all by herself
Places toys up on a shelf
Feeds the baby
Drinks her juice
Zips up her sweater
And puts on her shoes

A secret smile from across the room
I wink, she giggles
The Game ensues
"Getchoo!" she cries already out of breath
I haven't even tickled her yet!

Sweetly she'll press her lips to mine
"A kiss" she says
"It's night-night time"

After nap we start again
We eat and then the games begin!
Play piano, read a book
Exactly how motherhood should look.

Better than I thought I would be
When she was forming inside of me
More fun than I ever imagined
More work than I counted on
More meaningful than so many things
More beautiful than anyone
So precious, so close, so loving
She, a gift God gave me

Oh.

I felt beautiful this morning
Hair shiny, full
Lips kissable with gloss
Eyes just so
Skin flawless

Red, my favorite power color
I am invincible in this armor!
And to the mall I go
In search of new clothes
To complement my beauty

I search many stores
Stand in front of many mirrors
None which show the enchanment of this morning
When I left with armor
When I felt beautiful
Didn't I?

Oh they don't have that in my size
My husband hugs me close and whispers:
"I think you are beautiful. I love you. And your hair looks great."
I begin to cry.
God knows he fights a battle every day
To feel that way.

Home again with saddened spirit
Same mirror as this morning
Now shows a woman worn:
Flat hair, smudged mascara, bloodshot eyes
Chapped lips, thick hips and thighs.

Where did she go,
that beautiful woman of confidence I met today
Is gone, somewhere, maybe far away.
She tried coming out and the world did not agree with her
"This is the reality" they say.

"Oh."
She whispers as she turns away
And fades.

More

If your word can overshadow mine
Are you more?
If your heart can show more grace than mine
Are you better?
If the light in your eyes is softer than mine
Are you best?
If living comes easy for you
If breathing is nothing to you
A beating heart never a thought
Are you more?

Are your tears saltier than mine?
Do you understand the passage of time?
If you think with your heart more than your mind
Are you more, are you best, are you better?

If anger is not the fastest felt
If frustration under wraps
If voice well modulated
If temper quietly released
Are you better?

Truly, the questions meant to pose no threat
Nonetheless, these questions must be met
Not with slight of eyes and huff of breath
Truly, do you feel that you are best?

Truly is your impatience only for me
Am I the only and biggest flaw you see?
Put your honest answers to the tongue
And see if there is damage to be done.

Will you answer gracefully with calm,
No raw emotion left to do the job?
Will you find me less than what you thought
And leave me here, in the midst of war, unsought?

Smugly, now you shake this from your shoe
Return to life as easily as you do
Find that all are waiting there for you

Narrowed eyes to flit in my direction
Casting mental judgement without question
You: the hero.
I: the fool for asking.

The Muse

Feeling melancholy on a bright and sunny day
Wondering which pill to take
To push the blues away

Fighting to recover happiness once I called my own
Feels like this is not the day
I should face myself alone

Everything over the top
Too much, too bright, to sad
Too long, too loose, too proud
The words magnify the thoughts
They come out way to loud

Where is the lighthearted poem best written?
Paper? Keyboard? Heart?
Soul? Mind? Yours? Mine?
They are all melancholy bitten

Interwoven, though I am
The should and do don't fuse
The could and would won't mesh
Guilt is my muse.

"But not..." she whispers, barely audible
I maybe could, "But not!" she cries louder now
I probably should, "But not!" she screams
But I won't.

Did you hear something?

Too Long

Too long since word to page was formed
Too long thoughts rolled in silence
Too long she waits for ink to drip
And shape to fill the void

Fit they won't inside the box
The thoughts outside her mind
And so in silence here she sits
To scratch the itch inside

What has happened here of late
There is much to tell
A book that claims the God of Love
Has held her in His hand

A struggle felt inside the heart
A soul that can't or won't believe
Faith a burden too big to bear
Captivating, isn't she?

Too much to process
Too much to understand
The message slipping through her hands
Can't find what she can't possess

Irritation creeps and bubbles
A whisper of a thought
It could be you, it could be you
Is squashed and then is gone

Where is Truth?
Can it be found?
No transcendental promises please
What was meant for them can not be used for me.

Don't let it go
Like Jacob and the angel
Wrestle through the night
She won't let go
He won't give up
May the best man win the fight.

It's not for me,
It's too..... something

I am an American

I am a woman with no country.

Bring me your poor, your weary
Teeming masses come
Stand on coveted soil
Sought for its flexibility
Once it was my own
Now crowded and shaped
Resembling places I have never known

I have no native tongue.

For I am forced to learn
To speak the language of the Others
They can not talk to me
And I must bend to fit the mold
That they are in.

It is as though my country
Has turned its back on me
Because I am not p.c.
Our borders invite difficulty,
Defeat, despair, strife
Eden no more
And shed no tear for me
Hard-hearted forever
I may be

To have a thought all my own
No censorhip inside a man
And Hitler falls in anger

I am an American
My creed to accomodate at all cost
My moral law is fluid
I am open-minded and free
I will not judge you
Freely judge me

Indeed peace has not come in this age
War of Worlds for true
Is yet to come
Fear I do not know
For this event
Only anticipation and hope

When all striving ceases
Alien no more
Bully no longer
Home, forever
With language all my own
Clever sand and stone made just for me.

I am an American
I have no home country.

Train

"I'm the leftover turkey for the world's mayonnaise and the star next to the moon."


Just one of those days.

How this came to be

She smiles and looks around
I'm invisible in this crowd
Does everyone look the same, she wonders
If we were all inside out
Did you know what I was thinking
Just by looking in my eyes
I guess it wouldn't be too hard
To trap me in these lies

She goes dancing in the rain,
says it helps to numb her pain
And I'm standing here just watching
When I could be jumping in
She goes dancing in the rain again.

I'm shaking my head and wondering
If she's not a little crazy
By the way she sits, smiles, stares
Maybe it's just me.
She says they're stupid questions
But they don't seem that way to me
I can tell she's only trying
To leave captivity

Outside the rain is calling
It's whispering her name
Surely after this dance
We will never be the same

She goes dancing in the rain
Says it helps to numb her pain
And I'm standing here just watching
When I should be jumping in
She goes dancing in the rain again.

I'm shivering and wet and asking
How this came to be that every
Infected word she said had no
Effect on me, how could it be
That I am cold where warmth was
Every part of me and
She is dancing in the rain again.

Keynote Address

"Ahem... is, uh, is this thing on? Okay. "

"one-two-three-one-two-three,
There's a song inside of her
It hasn't found a home
She isn't very easy you see
As easy as they come
Death came to town today
Uninvited, it came just the same
It stole our hearts and numbed our minds
We have no one to blame
It shakes us to the core we say
Turns the world around
Our faith, now upside down
It's hard to see through tears she says
And keeps walking, but not away
Toward something no one else can see
Maybe she will find some peace
New places, same old things
New journey and he's not along
But we're so sure he'd be glad
Freedom in a letter found
Saved for a moment such as this
Momentary lightness she has found
Almost like solace in a kiss
It is fleeting and here we are
At the crossroads again
Is it okay to be ugly and hateful
Should we have grace for unmerciful behaviour
Can Jesus heal this bleeding wound
Without permission, so far from our lips
So close to our thoughts
So hard to pray, almost feeling traitorous
Worshipping One who betrays us so
We find we cannot understand
This is part of His plan

And we hate it.

Where does the grief go?
There is no place to breathe here.
Pack everything in a box and leave this place
But grief will follow like a stray cat
It has snuck into our pores like smoke
And yet life continues its events all around us
Again without permission.
We fall, but getting up seems more than we can bear
Father, meet us here
We only ask because we have to
There is no choice.
When my heart is in a corner
Will I sing a new song?
Born of Your mercy that falls down like rain
Flooding my heart, I can't be unchanged
When I'm faced with the choice to deny God or praise
Will I sing a new song?